Shubhreet Kaur is a journalist, TV anchor, SMM consultant and one of the
top Mom Bloggers in India. I am an ardent follower of her blog 'Raising Karma' where she talks about modern day parenting and
experiences of her life raising daughter Karma (hence, the blog name!). She is one of the few social media personalities out there who I find to be authentic and is not afraid to talk about her honest, challenging and uncomfortable experiences of life and parenting as it is. I am so
excited to share with you today an interview with Shubhreet where she shares
interesting insights into motherhood in the modern world, equality in parenting and what makes her bare her soul on the internet.
Could you please tell us a little about
yourself?
I’m an Army kid and grew up across the country.
I went to around 10 different schools and frankly loved moving around growing
up. My college, first job, MBA and second job however were all in Delhi but my
hometown otherwise is Chandigarh. I wanted to be a journalist since I was very
young so I worked towards that since school and college days. My first job was
with The Economic Times. Since then, I have had multiple career breaks due to
shifting but have worked with NDTV Profit and Reuters as a business news
anchor, managed online and print publications in Singapore and also worked a
lot in Media and PR in addition to freelance writing.
Congratulations on your second pregnancy!
Firstly, I really loved that you talked on the topic of not being happy about
being pregnant. In our society (and the world over I presume), we are expected
to be in an eternal state of bliss as soon as the two pink lines appear on the
pregnancy test or even after we have a baby. What made you share such an
intimate (and taboo) aspect of your story?
Frankly, when it happened and I started feeling
upset about it, I did what I always do – I researched online. And I found tons
and tons of articles and blog posts by other moms who went through exactly the
same thing, even in cases of planned pregnancies. I even found articles on
various pregnancy, health and baby websites that addressed this issue too.
While it still took me around 6 months to start feeling emotionally better,
reading all these real life stories shared by others helped immensely. I felt
less guilty and alone.
But most of these articles were published by
moms from other countries. I couldn’t find any written by an Indian mom. And I
do know for a fact that in our country, we have really high expectations from
mothers and mothers-to-be. I also wanted to be brutally honest about my
pregnancy when I finally announced it online instead of just posting happy pics
because I wanted to share the reality of it. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want to
have my child. I obviously did but at the same time, so many different things
about being pregnant were making me depressed and I wasn’t entirely happy and
this can be very confusing and emotionally draining for a pregnant woman.
So I wanted to be honest about it and share that
just in case there were or are more moms who felt or feel the same way. I know
how guilty, frustrated and alone I felt till I started reading up and if even
few moms who’re going through the same thing read my blog post on it and felt
less alone, then I feel the purpose of sharing those thoughts has been
achieved. There is a need for open communication where we are free to share
what we are going through without judgement because it is perfectly normal and
one shouldn’t have to deal with it on their own. Just knowing there are more
moms out there who felt the same can be a huge relief in itself.
The response on that post validated that fact for me. So many women commented
and Dm-ed. Some even requested for their name not to be shared and that’s
perfectly alright but it did hit home the reality that this is real, it happens
to many of us and we need to talk more about it. Those chats online itself made
me feel much better and I hope it made everyone who connected with me on it
also feel better. There is strength in #MomTribe and the more we talk about
things that affect us, the more we can help each other.
For your first pregnancy, you and your
husband chose to welcome the baby on your own without any family to support you in the
initial days. Why did you decide so and what was your biggest learning from
this experience?
We just felt its very important for both the
mother and father to be involved in initial babycare. Usually when grandparents
come, fathers don’t get to do much but we wanted to manage her on our
own. Yes, it was physically exhausting. But mentally, it was easier. We
learned to rely on our instincts, trust each other and had less
interference. We did it together and enjoyed the ups and downs of Karma’s
first few months to the max.
Too many people is also too much stimulation for
a new born and its easier to make a baby fall into a routine with just a
primary and secondary caretaker. Plus we really do believe in equal parenting
and Karan has been able to manage Karma end-to-end from the start. There were
also a lot of things that are done traditionally which we didn’t want to do
based on our research and information from our doctors. So we felt that would
be easier too.
It wasn’t to exclude anyone. In fact, Karma is
very close to both sets of grandparents but we wanted the initial time to bond
with our baby and manage her as a family. I feel it was the best decision we
took and we are planning the same this time around as well.
Could you please tell us a little more about why
did you decide upon gender-neutral parenting for your daughter? Has it been
challenging?
In a lot of ways, it wasn’t an intentional step.
We both, as individual people, believe in gender equality. So that reflected in
our parenting too. Then our friends told us that we should write about this
because many people would want to do it but not know how or might not realize
that they're not actively practicing gender-neutral or equal parenting. So
that’s when I started posting about it.
But for us, it came rather naturally, simply
because I think that’s just an inherent part of our personalities and who we
are as individuals.
It does take some conscious steps and explaining
to your ecosystem – grandparents, family, school, daycare etc. Many might
engage in gender stereotype language and behaviour not because they have any
bad intentions but simply because that’s the norm and it's more of a habit. So
constant communication on the same really helps.
What have been the biggest challenge about
motherhood/parenting for you?
Dealing with judgements on our decisions. That I
feel is the only thing that impacts any mother the most. Moms/Parents are more
than capable of handling things no matter how difficult and tackling it head on
if society would just encourage instead of discouraging. But there are just so
many comments and opinions that create doubts or then indirectly criticize what
parents are doing instead of letting them find their own way of parenting. It
starts from pregnancy and really doesn’t stop after that… are you
feeding or not? If you are then why aren’t you supplementing? Why are you
feeding for so long? Your weight gain is too less or too much! Child’s weight
and eating habits… parenting style etc etc… It seriously is non-stop
and that does get to me even though I feel I’m very thick skinned. But
sometimes, you just wonder why remark at all? Let parents enjoy being parents.
What has been the biggest surprise about
motherhood?
I never wanted kids. I wasn’t even very maternal
during my first pregnancy. I had read articles where people said they cried
when they heard the baby’s heart beat at the first scan and were emotional when
baby was taking shape inside. I felt none of that! I did what I was supposed to
do but I wasn’t feeling motherly.
But when I delivered Karma, the ferocity of love
that hit me was crazy. One minute I was screaming in labour and the other
minute, I was laughing hysterically when I saw her. It was nuts! I have just
never felt that much love for anyone before and the sheer volume of it was a
surprise. I never thought I would be a parent but this kid is just so amazing!
Blows my mind everyday! ;)
You have lived in Singapore and your daughter
was born there. What major differences do you seen when it comes to motherhood
in Singapore and here in India?
Huge difference! Starting from pregnancy,
there's just a lot more info given to new parents (not just the mom). The
entire focus there was not just providing medical care to a pregnant woman and
new baby but also to enable the couple to manage pregnancy and baby
care. I remember my first check up and my doctor told Karan, “Keep her
stress free. I can manage all the medical stuff but you gotta keep her happy.
Happy mom, happy healthy child.”
And at every step of pregnancy to delivery, we
were explained stuff. At the hospital, a class was conducted for expecting and
new parents (both moms and dads) on how to bathe, massage and swaddle baby etc.
They told us some babies get baby acne so don’t freak out. Its totally fine and
normal. And Karma did get it! They talked about breastfeeding, colic, moms
diet, dad’s role etc. A lactation consultant came and told me how to massage my
breasts in case I feel milk is not coming. During pregnancy check ups, pros and
cons of everything were nicely explained to both of us without any pressure.
They cared so much about my mental health and my
post delivery recovery as well so they ensured weight gain is apt/recommended
and not excessive or less. My doc would even tell me to dress up. She joked
that, “You don’t realize it but it will help you emotionally to get ready and
flaunt your pregnancy body because as you start feeling more uncomfortable due
to physical changes and puking and chest burn, you start feeling low.” These
small things made that care very personal!
I remember at the hospital after delivery, Karma
had pooped but hadn’t peed in 16 hours. So the nurse came and said, “She hasn’t
peed yet. Should we wait till 24 hours or do you want me to give formula?” I
said should we wait and she replied, it’s perfectly safe to wait. At 22 hours,
she came and said “Your baby peed a lot. I’ll bring her for the next feed
soon.” So a parent’s view was taken into account at every step.
Based on stories from moms who delivered here, I
don’t think that’s the norm here but it should be. Yes, some people have had
amazing doctors and experiences but its not as widespread in terms of emotional
and mental aspect of a mom-to-be plus a dad’s role also being a big focus
unless there is a problem.
How do you feel parenting in today’s times
differ from those of our parents or grandparents’? {You know, because every
mother (new or otherwise) gets to hear this a lot when questioning her choice
of parenting, "Humne bhi apne zamaane mein bahut bachche paale
hain" and such.}
Every generation will have their differences. I
get to hear that a lot too and my answer always is, “That while I agree you
have, but we want to do things differently.” We have access to more
information. Plus there might be some traditions that we don’t believe in. We
might want to go a more research-based way than what’s just been always done.
Small examples like honey – in many Indian
cultures, newborns are given honey. We know now that babies under one year of
age aren’t to be given any honey at all.
So it’s just a matter of finding your own
parenting style and wanting to raise your kids your way. It’s not an easy
decision to have kids nor is it easy to raise them. As parents, we need to have
faith in the steps we are taking so one should have the flexibility and freedom
to take those steps.
Have you relied on any specific resources to
expand your horizons on parenting?
The physical aspects of parenting – hospital
training session and Singapore parenting book that all new parents are given
was a big help. We even watched a lot of Youtube videos for colic massage. My own
doctor, Karma’s paediatrician, Babycentre and What to Expect app helped me
during pregnancy as well since I had some very weird side affects.
The subjective side of parenting – I think our
own personal views plus our travels and seeing how kids are raised in different
places has impacted our parenting style a lot. A lot of what we have seen and
observed in various countries and some of it clicked with what we inherently
believe in and hence incorporated in every day parenting too.
I am the types to read up a lot as well. So I do
read view points, articles, research etc on various aspects. Sometimes if I
feel we want to do something for Karma, then I try to find articles on both
sides of the argument and then take my decision.
This is such a challenging time to be a mother –
we are independent working women before the baby and hence, scared to leave
that life behind. When we are at home with the baby, there is so much pressure
and guilt to join back work but for moms who work at jobs, there is always this
criticism (from the society) and guilt to spend more time with their children.
What has been your experience regarding this and how did you deal with it?
Again, it boils down to too much pressure being
put on moms to be a certain way instead of letting them be and make their own
choices. Different things will work for different people and one shouldn’t
force or coerce any mother into making a choice she is not comfortable with.
I took a long break as well and in hindsight, I
wish I hadn’t taken such a long break from work and started daycare even
earlier. For us, daycare worked since Karma was such an active toddler and
wanted to go out 3 times a day. We started her at 16 months and people would
say, ‘Poor kid, why are you sending her? You work from home!’… not realizing
that kids need company of other kids as well and there she plays and engages
etc.
Karan was always on board. In fact, he would
tell me that, ‘Baby you’re so ambitious and talented. If nothing else, go
volunteer but do something because you will not be happy down the line. Would
you want Karma to give up her dreams if and when she became a mom? So why delay
everything you have worked towards.” And then he left the final choice up to
me. So I always had his support in whatever decisions I took.
So be it a stay-at-home-mom or a working mom, we
should just enable and support those choices. Neither is easy! I find it easier
to pull a 12 hour work day than take care of Karma for 8-10 hours at home. I
have a lot of respect for SAHMs (Stay at Home Moms) because even a simple thing
like not being able to have an adult conversation for most of your day can be
tasking with everything else going on. With working moms, balancing is tough
and sometimes you have to compromise. I’m a work from home mom and sometimes I
have to go to an office or travel for work and other times, its all from home
where I struggle to balance between home time and work time. So no matter what
category one comes in, there’s always a lot of balancing and various kinds of compromise
needed and that should be respected.
Sometimes I feel that this is a scary time to
bring up children, what with all the crimes, conflicts, climate change,
inequality etc. How do you try to maintain positivity in the upbringing of your
child? Or do you prefer to keep her shielded from the ‘big bad
world’ around her?
That’s a fear for all parents. I grew up in
military cantts which were very safe so had a lot of freedom moving around as a
kid. But honestly, I don’t think I can be as carefree with karma now. We in
general try to work towards having a positive outlook in life. Karan and I
always do try to focus on the bigger picture that we have each other and we
have our kid and as long we are there for each other, we will be fine. Things
might not always be okay but we will together be okay!
I don’t think we can shield our kids for too
long either. Most of us have to start with ‘good touch, bad touch’ training by
the time they are 2 years old. That’s the sad reality of it. We never force her
to hug or kiss anyone and if that means some people at family get-togethers not
understanding that, then so be it. Many do understand that we are trying to
teach her to trust her instincts and teaching her that we always trust her
instincts too - the few who don’t understand, I’m fine with it!
So I think every parent in their own starts
trying to ready their child for what the world entails. For us, equal and
neutral parenting is also a part of the same process too.
Are you able to take time out for self-care?
What do you like to do in your me-time?
Like I said, Karan has been a hands-on dad from
day one so I have always been able to take some time out for myself. In the
initial few months, feeds were super frequent. But even then, once she was 4
weeks old, every weekend Karan would take care of Karma while I went out for
shopping or lunch with friends to just get that break. I would leave expressed
milk in the fridge. Now it’s even easier – I travel with my friends for a few
days and she easily stays with him. We don’t leave her alone with maids so once
a week he heads out with his friends while I’m on duty and once a week I go out
with my friends while he’s on duty. So we have our system in place! LOL!
Sometimes, its as simple as heading out for a
pedicure or lunch or have him take Karma out so I have the house to myself and
order some junk food and watch some shows on my laptop.
If you could give just one advice to all the
mothers out there, what would it be?
You are the mother! You make the world! It
is your baby and your instinct matters most. Don’t worry about taking a stand.
If people resist, let them know why and how you
are planning to do things. Keep them involved but maintain your independence.
Everyone will not just get over it, they will eventually be proud of you.
But trust yourself and don’t forget yourself! A
happy mom will raise a happy child so your happiness and life matters as much
as your child's.
Thank you so much Shubhreet for sharing your
thoughts with us!
