I am a North Indian brought up in the South. My husband was born
and brought up in a small Maharashtrian town. We have, what we call an
inter-cultural marriage. No, I am not going to get into the caste discussion
because that is something we neither believe in nor give a damn about. We are
talking about coming from different cultural backgrounds, having different
mother tongues and basically just being brought up differently. And if I have
to sum up all of my experiences, it would be in just one word - FUN.
It was never something we planned for. Though I remember, since
childhood, if I ever thought about marrying someone from similar culture/state,
I always felt like it would be kind of …ummm…boring. Not that I
criticize similar profile marriages; any marriage based on mutual love, trust
and respect is honourable in my eyes. But for me, if we were to speak the
same language and eat the same food, where would be the excitement of learning
something new? And given that I am a hippie at heart always seeking new
adventures and as many travel experiences as possible, marrying a person from a
different background ensured lifetime supply of culture-tales at our very home
itself!
I feel very proud of my two families for consciously choosing to
build a home where differences melt given that ours was not a love marriage.
And I feel so proud of couples who have consciously chosen to build a family
with love and faith despite the differences in their cultures.
Let us discuss few important aspects of such a melting pot of a marriage, that probably would have or will concern us at one point of time or another in our lives:
1) Food: I
think it’s all about finding a balance. Two days a week, I try to cook
something Maharasthrian. Two days a week, I cook something North Indian. Two
days are any other cuisine like continental, Chinese or even a Pizza takeaway.
Sundays are our special meals day where we try to cook something elaborate,
nativity notwithstanding.
Brownie points, if you can learn to cook some special dishes from
his culture (it’s the homemaker in me speaking!). For example, I never ate
mutton before marriage, but now I cook Kolhapuri mutton like a pro.
Till you find a balance, Maggi zindabad!
2) Rituals:
Family rituals intimidate me, especially because I am quite non-religious. But
am I complaining about all the heavenly modak that I get to eat? No, Sir! :D
I am not sure how people who are from different religious
background make it work. I guess the secret lies in balance and acceptance.
3) Language:
Hindi is our national language. English is our official language. Repeat after
me. If you still do not know either of these two languages, it doesn’t take an
Einstein to convey to pick up your wet towel from the floor or we are going to
order takeaway tonight; or even, you look hot, let’s get frisky tonight in sign
language ;). Ultimately, understanding and speaking the language of love is all
that matters.
I do hope I can learn Marathi though. I have always dreamt of
being multi-lingual, but I’m so hopeless at it – the only two Marathi words I
can speak with swag are Kombdi (hen) and Gaadhav (donkey)!
4) Children:
I think in a healthy intercultural marriage, children do not grow with
conflicting views, but with the best of both worlds.
I do hope we can bring up children who are more open, respectful
as well as accepting of different cultures. One thing they will definitely be
not is - Discriminatory. Nurturing an inter-cultural marriage at home means
teaching your kids by example that being a good human being is paramount - more
important than the caste, creed, colour or your ethnicity.
Isn't that what we need the most in today's world - people who
believe in humanity more than anything else?
Of course, being in the fauj just makes our life easier. If you
want to see national integration in it’s true spirit, come visit a military
station; the couples, the children, the soldiers, they know only one name –
INDIA (Yeah, Chak De style!).
I spoke to some of my friends who share a similar story and this
is what they had to say:
"My husband's
background is a typical Banarasi Brahmin one and I am a Malayali Christian.
Both of us are foodie. We relish vegetarian food and particularly
non-vegetarian dishes. Food is usually not a problem with us unless my
mother-in-law visits us. We go without non-veg food for good about a month in
our house, though we manage to visit friends’ house or restaurants to
fulfil our cravings: P Inter-cultural marriages are a compromise made for your
beloved. It doesn’t matter what you follow, speak or eat till the time you are
loved, respected and supported by your partner”- Priya
“I am from Lucknow
and my husband is a Marathi. It is a different feeling altogether, to fall in
love first, and then being accepted whole heartedly by the boy’s family who may
have been expecting a girl from same state or language, at least. I got to
learn their traditions and rituals. They have a very simple lifestyle. They
have shown all their patience with me since I was zero in anything related to
the culture or language. My husband has been very loving. Holding hands and
always by my side. Earlier I was scared of the various rituals done in
festivals. But now I am used to them.. In fact, I look forward to them.
I’m born and
brought up in a fauji house. My parents had no issues. They just wanted a
fauji, a good guy with a good family background, no other barriers. They liked
him as my friend already. So when I told them about the marriage proposal, they
agreed happily.” - Grace
“I am a Pahari born
and brought up in Delhi and my husband is a Marathi. Like one is from the hills
and one from the coast. I believe that for intercultural marriages, mutual
understanding is important. I’m having no problems having married a man outside
my culture. In fact, I feel I couldn’t have been happier and content as much as
I am with him, because when we got married knowing that we were raised
differently, we were ready for adjustments from the beginning itself, thus
making us less stubborn in what we want from each other. Also both our families
are very open minded and that’s why they arranged our wedding. Festivals are
fun on both sides and we do fusion celebration. And as far as raising our child
is concerned, the kid is lucky to experience variety in goodness from both
sides of his grandparents. Upbringing is how we mould him which is again up to
us, how better we make it…different customs are all the more fun.” – Sipika
“I am a Punjabi-Jat
and my husband is Roman Catholic. My husband’s major worry is that the kids
will be named Brijinder, Sukhwinder etc with a Catholic surname! Plus his is a
family of purebred carnivores and mine are the exact opposite. Actually our
wedding snaps have a picture like that in two states – in the church – one side
Hot dresses, gowns and the other side – Pagdis and Salwar suits. But I’m quite
glad that we married each other and couldn’t have asked for anything better.
The good thing was that there were staunch elements (family beliefs) that we
had to go through in order to get married, so no masala marriage. But just a
lot of good, different fun.”- Kanika
“I am a Brahmin
from Varanasi and a pure vegetarian..My husband is from West Bengal and a hard core non-veggi. Our language,
culture, everyuthing is different but still just because of him, I feel so
blessed!” - Kritika
Beautiful thoughts. Aren’t they? They just make me so happy, that
in this world of prejudice and discrimination, there is a ray of hope, however
tiny it is. I’m glad in this life, I’m getting to bask in its fuzzy warmth.
Do you have an inter-cultural marriage? Would love to hear your
story in the comments below!
